am I enough?

Twenty-five year old women are not supposed to think about blood pressure. But on Monday, I was.

“You should see a doctor right away,” is what I was told when I had my blood pressure taken. I thought I heard incorrectly. I had inherited my mother’s low bp, not my father’s that was anything but low. What a terrible thing to tell someone anyway because that’s not exactly going to make you relax.

Driving to the care clinic, all I could think about was tubes. EKGs. The sterile smell of hospitals and the long hours waiting for my dad to get out of surgery. I remembered the ambulance at the house, the way the jolly firemen cracked jokes while getting ready to carry their brother away, and the silence that fills the heart. Just keep driving. Don’t think about it. Just keep driving. Fear hadn’t clutched my heart at the time. Why let it now?

Sitting in the clinic, there were forms to fill out. Insurance information needed. I wondered what the receptionist thought I was there for. I wasn’t in distress. Maybe I…I couldn’t come up with anything for once. I sat alone, legs dangling, pen writing, filling out those forms. Wondering what would happen if I suddenly up and popped. The curse of a writers imagination.

Will I be enough for you?

What was that, God?

Will I be enough?

Yeah, sure. Of course.

I went in to see the Dr. First, the red headed nurse gently lectured me on diet and exercise. At least he was kind.

“Your skinny genes are starting to wear out.”

Great. Couldn’t I just get a new pair? If this was adulthood, I would sign up for prolonging adolescence a few more years.

Will I be enough?

The thought echoed through my head as I left the clinic. False alarms but the curse of limiting coffee and salt was cruel. Coffee has been my sweet addiction for years. I can drink it just not like I have. Bleh.

Katie. Will you let me be enough?

The scare was over. The caricatures of my fears were replaced with  the firm lines of diet and exercise. I’m healthy but it’s time to start changing things up. But the question remained.

Will I let God be enough? Medical scares are no stranger to me. We passed the stage of acquaitance long ago. I’ve had to learn to live with uncertainty. With God as the center. Being out here and alone, it makes no difference. He is enough. Today. Tomorrow. It’s all a choice. One that I plan on making.

One Response to “am I enough?”
  1. Ruthiey says:

    I really liked this post, Caitlin. Keep making that choice!

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