Almost Gone

Portland, Oregon

This will go down as the year where my words ran dry. The year that I learned what alone felt like. The year I learned that I am more than the sum of my experiences. The year that everything changed.

I watched Bright Star last night. Rather, I finished it. I started it with high hopes. Artistically, it was good. The dark tones, flickering lights and fleshy papers on the screen tempted the muse inside of me. The muse that got locked up sometime last year. It’s starting to kick, starting to move again, waiting to be freed and spill the story out on the page. I’d like the dam to break and the words to flow freely again.

The last month has been hard for me. I chaperoned 16 college students last week. I didn’t know that I was yet old enough to do that but I was and I gave it my best effort. The crew was great – so many awesome people! –  but there was just one of me. One very jet-lagged me who had grown accustomed to the Puerto Rican sun and not the wind-chill of winter. I felt like a zombie most of the time, watching through a haze, fighting a cold and drowsyness. Not exactly on the top of my game.  When I boarded the plane to go back to Texas, I discovered something unfortunate.

The feeling was gone.

The tingling feeling of anticipation that comes over me every time I get on a plane. It starts in the pit of my stomach and sparkles out to the rest of me until I’m grinning in my seat like an idiot. The feeling was replaced with a quiet knowledge that yes, I was going back to Texas again. I hope the feeling returns soon. It was my companion on my way to Puerto Rico. Life won’t be the same without it.

My soul is tired. There’s no reason for my soul to be as weary as my body. My 10,000 mile trip is about ready to reach it’s final stages and oh, how I will be ready for home. I’m bone tired of feeling like a ghost, always wandering and seeing but never being, and never able to sit at rest for a spell. It isn’t the constant doing so much as the feeling of never quite belonging. This is the time when whatever bravery or gumption must kick in – I moved, I made my decision. I must just be now. Be and grow.

But for now, I’m looking forward to going home for the holidays.

Portland will always be my beloved indie city. Where I can be Katie, not Caitlin. Where I don’t have to use a GPS to find my way around. I’ve missed the hippy-dippy culture, the birkenstocks with socks, the colored dreadlocks, the creperies, the amazing Thai food. I’ve missed my cousins – the Wingman, the Newlywed, the Nurse, and the Adopted One. I’ve missed taking my Grammy to the movies. I’ve missed playing the wii with my niece, listening to the hours of piano music, and walking down to Starbucks with friends. I’ve missed the coffee culture. The smell of pine trees. The crunch of snow. The smell of fresh rain. The awesome grocery store by my parent’s house.

Just thinking about it makes me happy.

3 Responses to “Almost Gone”
  1. India says:

    on behalf of those college students…. sorry we were such a pain. :/ if it makes it any better, I really enjoyed having you for a chaperon – you’re pretty awesome. hope you have the most relaxing time back home – enjoy being in Portland 🙂

    • caitlinmuir says:

      Eeek! I didn’t want to give the impression that I had a terrible time with you guys. I had a blast and I think that you guys are great. I fleshed out that part of the post.

      I’m already looking forward to seeing everyone at the next gathering. I’ll just plan better with travel (and wardrobe!). And I think you’re pretty awesome as well. 😉

  2. AnnaBanana says:

    Katie/ Caitlin… I don’t think i will ever call you by one or the other. But I loved reading this, cause you sound like me a year ago. And still sometimes me today. I think it comes with moving to a new strange place. I know God has some sort of plan for you in Texas, it might just take awhile. Heck it took me two years and I am still struggling finding out where I fit in. But slowly and surely things are going to come together. Theres a reason I have not been able to move back to my beloved WA. But the good thing is, it will always be home. And a place of refuge…so I am happy you are coming home. And we can dine and drink in the delights of the PNW. See you soon!

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