And NaNo is…

Going abysmally. You’d think that writing would come easier. It’s not like there isn’t fodder for a series of books going on in my life right now. By the end of the day, my imagination is shot and I’m happy to feed myself on entertainment instead of taking the time to create.

People say to write what you know. But what do you do when everything is inverted? What do you write when you are known for the cheerful and upbeat and you just feel like crying your eyes out?

It’s funny what happens when you find yourself at the end of your rope. That’s when you reach for Jesus. Someone asked me the other day why I loved Jesus. Because I need him. Because I not only need him for my eternal salvation but for all the day to day things that I don’t know how to deal with.

I’ve been crying a lot more lately. It kind of sucks for wearing mascara. I’m kind of a fan of mascara. And eyeliner.  But I can’t help it. When I see something horrible, it claws at my soul like someone trying to escape suffocation. I mourn the beauty that was marred. I cry when I see souls stretched thin; trying so hard to stuff themselves silly with the things that are stretching them out in the first place. There’s something that hurts me when I see sadness where there should be gladness. When I see people trying so hard to pretend that all is well. It’s like they can’t see their pet monster on their shoulder that is devouring them.

I can’t sit by the sidelines and point fingers. I’d be pointing back at myself. I have my own pet monsters to slay. I am far from perfect. I’m a mess. You don’t want to know the muck in my soul. Why do I follow Jesus? Because my soul needs him. I need him. I completely fall apart with him. 

All that to say – writing isn’t going so well right now. My heart just hurts too much. Words don’t spill on the page. Tears do.

2 Responses to “And NaNo is…”
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